I Loathe a Pay-Per-View
by Sacred Dust
Summary: A Daria/wrestling crossove for PPMB, based on the works of TheExcellentS! Daria and Quinn must team up for the first time against foes Amelia and Sandi Griffin. Jodie Landon defends the Women's Title vs. Jane Lane. Upchuck and Stacy try to coexist as a mixed tag team. It's Kevin, Mack, Ted and Robert vs. Moe and the 3 J's in a football brawl. All this and more, in "I Loathe a PPV!"
1. Are We Live Yet?: Tom vs Bob

LAWNDALE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIP PRESENTS…

**I Loathe a Pay-Per-View**

By Sacred Dust

A/N: Daria. Wrestling. Can these two totally different yet awesome things be combined once more? Yes. Yes they can.

This fic could not exist without the inspiration and permission of TheExcellentS, who wrote "Lawndale Rumble," "Is It Mania Yet?," "Esteemsters Series," and "Something Something Slam" on Outpost Daria and the PaperPusher's Message Board. Thanks buddy.

Many of the background characters' complete names come from fanfics written by others. I intend no offense by reusing those names here. All pre-existing Daria characters, locations and products are trademarks of MTV Networks and Viacom International.

Ω

_Your parents are working late. Your annoying siblings are out of the house. And Pizza King is on the way. There's only one thing that could make this imaginary night better: the wrestling show you ordered on your mom's credit card. You turn on the TV, flip past Sick Sad World, and there it is…_

_Fireworks rise up around a wrestling ring, illuminating the evening sky. A huge crowd of suburbanites goes wild, framed by a massive glass and metal shopping center in the background. The event theme, 'No Giving Up' by Crossfade, plays as Lawndale High teachers Timothy O'Neill and Janet Barch open things up at the ringside broadcast table._

**O'Neill:** "Good evening, everyone! We are live at the Mall of the Millennium Plaza in Sprawlville, Ohio! I hope everyone is happy and well-adjusted out there, and that you brought plenty of self-esteem to—"

**Barch:** "Can it, skinny! This is no show for the weak of heart. This is Lawndale Fighting Championship wrestling!"

**O'Neill:** "Yes, Janet. And not just any LFC show. You see…this is a show that should not be happening."

**Barch:** "Nope. Shouldn't even exist. We've got the wrong booker and Something Something Slam isn't even finished yet."

**O'Neill:** "All match results and possible title changes are subject to…well, change. But we hope you will accept all this with an open mind, and…"

**Barch:** "GET ON WITH THE ACTION! We've got Women's champion Jodie Landon making her biggest defense of the title so far: against one half of the Freakin' Friends, Jane Lane! We've got eight brainless jocks in a tag team war, and maybe if we're lucky they ALL lose!"

**O'Neill:** "And the biggest news of all: superstars _Daria and Quinn Morgendorffer_ must team up for the very first time in tonight's main event!"

**Barch:** "Sisterly hate, O'Neill! The only good part? They're up against two opponents they hate even more!"

**O'Neill:** "I really don't think we should throw the word _hate_ around, Janet. There are some people who are very sensitive to…"

_(Twin fireballs go off on either side of the entrance ramp, frightening O'Neill out of his socks. 'I Made It' by Kevin Rudolf plays on the sound system as a handsome brown-haired young man with a gold belt enters to a great reception.)_

**O'Neill:** "Oh my…it's Tom Sloane! What a way to start off this night."

_(Tom waves to the crowd as he climbs into the ring. Mr. DeMartino, the ring announcer, steps up to introduce him.)_

**DeMartino:** "Ladies and gentlemen…please welcome the REIGNING LFC Men's World CHAMPion…Tom…SLOANE!"

_(Tom motions for DeMartino's microphone and gets it.)_

**Tom:** "Hi everybody. I'm here to welcome everybody to 'I Loathe a PPV,' a show that is apparently happening due to a space-time anomaly. Do the Trekkies know about this? _(crowd laughs)_ But whatever the case, I'm going to keep training for my match at Something Something Slam, so I hope all of you enjoy the—"

_(Tom is interrupted by 'I Wanna Be Sedated' by The Ramones on the speakers! Out comes a blue-haired kid with a cutoff sleevless shirt, cargo shorts and a nose ring—something else the fans know well.)_

**O'Neill:** "Why, it's Bob Rollins! The winner of the Stairway to Heaven contract! But what's he doing here now?"

**Barch:** "Typical MALE. He's not even scheduled to compete tonight, and he still wants to hurt something!"

**Bob:** _(stands on the ramp)_ "I have to hand it to you man, you've got guts. Waltzing in and out of the ring like you own it…when I'm back there, with a 24/7 shot at your title, any time I want to take it."

_(He holds up a scuffed, dented briefcase covered with stickers, which apparently holds the contract he won at Is It Mania Yet? Tom is unimpressed.)_

**Bob:** "I could cash my shot in right here, right now, and not even wait until Something Something Slam! _(Major reaction as the crowd starts chanting his name!)_ But, I'm not gonna. _(throws briefcase aside)_ Instead, I want you in a non-title match, no weapons!"

**Tom:** _(chuckling)_ "You're kidding, right? No offense, Bob, but you and me in a clean match? You stand about as much of a chance as the Light Brigade."

_(DeMartino looks starstruck, standing next to a kid who actually knows history. Rollins shrugs.)_

**Bob:** "I'm guessing that's a bad thing. But if you've got the guts, I've got the nuts, rich boy!"

**Barch:** "Oh, brother."

**O'Neill:** "Are they really going to fight right here?!"

Ω

**NON-TITLE MATCH**

**LFC MENS WORLD CHAMPION Tom Sloane vs. STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN WINNER Bob Rollins**

_(Rollins sprints down the ramp, slides into the ring and tackles Tom before he can even get out of his $10,000 robe. Referee Jesse Moreno jumps in to do some emergency officiating. _

**Barch:** "Now THAT'S more like it! Why talk about wrestling when you can do it?!"

**O'Neill:** "Look at those shots to the head by Rollins! That young man must have a lot of stress to work out…"

**Barch:** "Sloane is getting just what every male deserves. Punishment!"

**O'Neill:** "Tom catches …er… _(has to look down at his paper)_ Rollins in a headlock and rolls him over. Bob with elbows to the midsection, and they break!"

_(Bob stands up and beckons at Tom. The champ is all too happy to oblige, hitting an instant double-leg takedown. He tries to parlay this into a Boston Crab, but Bob hangs on to the ropes and kicks him away. Stalemate again.)_

**O'Neill:** "And already we've seen Rollins doing things he's never done before in this company."

**Barch:** "Wrestling with a brain?"

**O'Neill:** "I think we really should be nicer about it, but—"

**Barch:** "Face it, Skinny, he's not a thinking woman's wrestler. I guess he thinks he had something to prove here tonight."

_(Tom goes for the legs again, but Rollins dodges! Tom stumbles down to his knees and as he gets up, Rollins nudges him in the chest with one boot, making him fall back against the ropes. Tom leaps back up to his feet, seething.)_

**Barch:** "Now a head game from Rollins! Are you seeing this, Tim?"

_(Tom yells at Rollins—"you think you're better than me?" Rollins shrugs and grins at him. Tom gets down on his hands and knees in the middle of the ring.)_

**O'Neill:** "That's a different strategy from Sloane—now he's daring Rollins to put him in a hold and out-wrestle him!"

**Barch:** "Turning that punk's strategy around on him. I like it."

_(Rollins approaches carefully. Trying to remember what he learned in training, he tries to lock in a full nelson. Tom turns him over, rolls backwards out of the hold and rear chin locks him in one fluid motion. Rollins gets a foot on the rope to force the break. Tom just goes back into the prone position again, daring Bob to try something else._

_Rollins tries a front headlock this time to keep his body out of Tom's reach. His grip is far from perfect; Tom slips out of it and locks in an abdominal stretch. Things continue to get worse for Bob as the match goes on, with the more technically sound champion luring him into a ground game and out-wrestling him.)_

**O'Neill:** "Now it's Rollins who's beginning to lose confidence."

**Barch:** "Well, no wonder. Sloane is backing up his words from earlier."

_(Tom laughs and drops to the prone position again. This time Rollins has had it and just kicks him in the stomach.)_

**Barch:** "Hey!"

**O'Neill:** "Well, it's not very nice, but he WAS being provoked. And look at Rollins go after him now!"

_(Things are picking up fast as Rollins throws Tom out of the ring, waits for him to get up and hits him with a body splash outside!)_

**O'Neill:** "And Bob says 'pardon me if I join you!'"

**Barch:** "He's a tough kid but that's the only way he can win tonight. By surprise!"

(It's breaking down into a brawl now and that's just how Rollins wants it. Tom gets thrown into the guard rail, steps away favoring his back and gets floored with a clothesline. Rollins slaps hands with the ringside fans and gives Tom a little too much time. The 'rich boy' plays possum, ducks around a second clothesline and rocks Bob with a German suplex on the floor.)

**O'Neill:** "Oh my gosh! That was a big mistake by Rollins, and he paid for it!"

**Barch:** "He got his bell rung there, Timothy. The one at ringside is just a formality. This one's done!"

(Tom quickly gets his bearings, rolls Bob back inside and covers. Only two! Tom stares at Jesse Moreno in disbelief—"just two, dude"—and clamps on a dragon sleeper. This keeps Rollins on his knees and forces his head back, robbing him of oxygen.)

**Barch:** "Say goodnight, grungy! Let's end this one and get to our amazing female competitors."

**O'Neill:** "Jesse lifts up his arm…it falls once. Two more times and this one IS over! Tries it a second time…no! Rollins backpedals him right into the corner, and I think the back of Tom's head caught the turnbuckle! This match isn't over by a long shot…"

_(The crowd is divided as both wrestlers are down. Half the fans are cheering for the LFC original with a dream, the other for the eminent newcomer. Bob gulps some badly needed oxygen and lurches into a shoulder block. It's sloppy but it connects, sending the Men's champion right back into the corner. Rollins is feeling it again now, throwing chops and punches like they're going out of style.)_

**Barch:** "Damn, he's stomping a mudhole in him! This is Rollins' idea of a clean match?"

**O'Neill:** "Well, it is legal after all. Not that I condone violence in any way!"

**Barch:** "You're out here, aren't you?!"

**O'Neill:** _(getting snippy)_ "If you don't mind, Janet, I'm going to take my Echinacea a little early."

**Barch:** "_Now_ what did I say?"

_(Rollins tries to pull Tom out of the corner. Tom copies his early strategy and hangs onto the ropes. Bob just lifts him up by his feet and slams him down. That impact seems to jar some sense back into Tom, and he meets Bob in the middle of the ring. They're trading punches now.)_

**O'Neill:** "I'm not sure the champion can win in a brawl here!"

**Barch:** "The slob is getting the better of it! Caught him three times unanswered!"

_(Tom interrupts Rollins with a chop to the neck and he stumbles back. Jesse gives him a warning for the illegal move, but Tom is unusually cross and just ignores him. He's charging Rollins…but Bob sees him coming and throws him over the top rope to the floor!)_

**O'Neill:** "Oh my goodness!"

**Barch:** "Careful! I don't want Echinacea in my lap! We already played that game."

**O'Neill:** "Um…"

**Barch:** "Oops. We can edit that out right?"

**O'Neill:** "Sloane just got dumped on the outside! Baseball slide attempt from Rollins—he dodges! More blows are being traded on the floor! We're 15 minutes into the broadcast, and this plaza is already so loud that—"

_(Tom ducks a punch and hits a superkick!)_

**Barch:** "Wow! We heard that!"

**O'Neill:** "It's happening all over again, a weakened Rollins being rolled back inside…"

**Barch:** "Okay, THIS time it's over."

_(Rollins is limp and barely responsive as Tom rocks him with a series of Germans. Five times he is launched backwards right on his head and neck, and now Tom goes in for the kill. Back to the dragon sleeper and this time his opponent has no energy left. Jesse raises the arm once; it falls. He raises it a second time; it falls again…)_

**O'Neill:** "Two times now!"

**Barch:** "This is it!"

_(Final lift of the arm. Bob's legs twitch. His hand stays up!)_

**Barch:** "Geez! What's it gonna take, a tranquilizer gun? Now THAT would be fun to watch."

**O'Neill:** "This is uncanny, everyone! The Mall of the Millennium crowd is keeping Bob Rollins alive!"

_(Tom throws him into the corner, where he crumples. The wealthy champion is rapidly losing his composure. He rushes his man again without thinking. In less than two seconds, Rollins braces himself with the ropes and pops him with a leaping enziguri.)_

**O'Neill:** "What a kick to the side of Sloane's head! I didn't think he had it in him!"

**Barch:** "Neither did I, O'Neill, I admit it. He's using the ropes even better than Sloane in this match."

**O'Neill:** "Maybe what Rollins said isn't so crazy after all."

_(Both men are punch-drunk again. Rollins crawls into a cover for two. Tom is off guard and down, but not out. Rollins has his arms and puts him in a sitting surfboard hold, catching his breath while his opponent suffers. His ears are still ringing from the suplexes, or is that the crowd? Maybe both._

_As usual, pain jolts Tom back to attention. But he's thrashing around aimlessly, trying to break the hold with strength alone. Suddenly he rolls over and flips up into a pinning position!)_

**O'Neill:** "Surprise pin from Sloane! But only two."

_(Rollins gets separation and belts Sloane with a kick to the back. He staggers off the ropes and Bob flips him back into a clutch pin.)_

**O'Neill:** "One! Two! Thr—no! That was the closest pin of the match!

**Barch:** "Half a second from the upset! But close only counts in horseshoes."

_(Rollins off the ropes. Sunset flip into another pin. Still two, but Sloane is reeling. Rollins lifts him up for a vertical suplex and hits it!)_

**Barch:** "Look out! This maniac is going up high again!"

**O'Neill:** "Could it be the Blitzkrieg Bop?!"

_(It is. Diving legdrop from Rollins and Tom moves!)_

**Barch:** "Would have been a Blitzkrieg Bop! Sloane knew what was coming and didn't want to take it! Typical cowardly actions."

**O'Neill:** "It was either that or lose the match."

_(Tom lifts him from behind and slams him into a sitting position, compressing his spine again. Tom knows he's got him and sets him up for one of his overhead suplexes. Bob stops it with a headlock and throws him outside again!)_

**Barch:** "Unbelievable!"

_(This time, Tom keeps his head. He gets back on the apron before he can be hit with another dive or worse. Here comes Bob to knock him off again. Tom ducks and hits a kick to the head. Rollins weaves backwards and falls down. Tom springboards into a perfect bodysplash, right on target! One…two…three.)_

**O'Neill:** "He got him! What a move! The title wasn't on the line, but Tom Sloane has retained his pride here tonight."

**Barch:** "That time it was Sloane using those ring ropes, and he made the most of them. This was a human chess match, and in the end the better MAN won. If it matters."

**O'Neill:** "Yes…but make no mistake, Bob Rollins has put the champion on notice with this performance. If he put up a fight like that here, who knows what he'll do when that Men's championship is on the line?"

_(Tom pulls himself to his feet and grabs his title. He watches Rollins get up again with a surprised expression. With none of the smugness he displayed earlier, he walks over and shakes his hand before leaving the ring.)_

**WINNER BY PINFALL: Tom Sloane**

Ω

_(Sweeping shot of the entrance hall of the biggest shopping center in the region. Kiosks are set up right there on the floor selling merchandise. Some t-shirts have a split shot of both Quinn and Daria that combines their faces into one and says, "BELIEVE." Others show Jane, Jodie, and the Bro/QB Connection. We go to a hallway further in the building, where art teacher and interviewer Claire Defoe is standing by._

**Defoe:** "Well, you've heard the rumblings. You've seen the actions of a highly unstable Amelia Pine as well as the persistence of Sandi Griffin. We didn't think it would actually happen, but it is official here: the Morgendorffer sisters must team up here tonight to get an early shot at their greatest rivals."

_(The camera zooms out slowly to show Daria sitting alone on a bench, reading a book as usual. She's wearing a green athletic midriff top and matching shorts. Her glasses are still on.)_

**Defoe:** "Daria, at Is It Mania Yet you joined Jane Lane and Stacy Rowe in effectively disbanding the Fashion Club. At Esteemster Series, you teamed with other LFC originals to conquer the Axis. Now you face a different challenge, perhaps an even more personal one—and I see that you and your sister are preparing for the match in separate locker rooms. I hope you'll forgive me, but that's not a good sign."

**Daria:** "I beg to differ, Claire. It's an excellent sign. Because it is a perfect example of what will happen tonight. If I had any illusions about being able to trust Quinn, they were helpfully removed last week when she left me to wrestle the fashion zombies alone."

**Defoe:** "Zombies? Daria, I really don't think…"

**Daria:** "Obviously. _(Defoe glares)_ They're mindless slaves, they go after brains, and we killed them at Is It Mania Yet. Yes. I'm pretty sure they're zombies."

_(Cue video replay of the match, which was supposed to be the sisters against Tiffany Blum-Deckler and Tori Jericho, but Daria is taking them on by herself and having a rough go of it. Quinn finally runs down when the end seems almost near, blind-tags Daria and takes out her former allies for the win, stealing all the glory.)_

**Defoe:** "To be fair, she did say she was late because of car trouble…

**Daria:** _(angry now)_ "With her date driving her in a brand new SUV? Give me a break. She did what she does best: coast through life, bury everyone else and take credit for their accomplishments. _(looks at camera)_ I know you can hear me, Quinn. We are teaming, but we are not allies. According to you, we're not even sisters. And that suits me just fine." _(walks away)_

**Defoe:** "Tim, Janet, it's not looking good. Back to you."

**O'Neill:** "I've got a bad feeling about this."

**Barch:** "Ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee! Daria's got a psycho after her and Quinn will never have any peace while Sandi's still around. If they can't work together tonight, these two career women are in great personal AND professional danger."


	2. Cheerleader Squad vs The Quiet Ones

_(We got back to the ring with Mr. DeMartino as he prepares to announce the next arrivals.)_  
**DeMartino:** "Our NEXT match is a ONE fall tag team contest. Introducing FIRST… _(His eye bulges. His hands tremble as he holds the cue card up closer.)_ Oh no. No! NOOOOOOO!"  
_(Sure enough, 'Girls Just Want to Have Fun' by Cyndi Lauper blares through the plaza. DeMartino is so freaked out he abandons the ring and hides underneath it.)_  
**Barch:** "Come on Anthony, take it like a woman!"  
**O'Neill:** "I see one thing hasn't changed in this version of LFC…he is still terribly frightened by that music and I have no idea why."  
**Barch:** "I think he's getting worse, actually."

_(Cheerleaders Angie Zammer [blonde] and Nikki Dowling [brunette, ponytail] come out smiling and waving their pom poms, and are joined by a third member: their former leader Brittany Taylor! Their good reception from the crowd gets even better.)_  
**O'Neill:** "What a pleasant surprise to see Brittany here again! She's still resting up from the battle at Esteemsters Series, but still found the time to support her old friends."  
**Barch:** "The cheerleaders aren't exactly students of the game, but what they lack in technique they make up for in talent and instinct. Still can't stand how they parade around for the men, though."  
**O'Neill:** "And they don't have long to show off their routine, because they're facing a secret developmental tag team tonight! That last tournament was so under wraps that even we don't know who it is."  
_(Head referee Trent Lane hears something on his earpiece and shares it with DeMartino as he crawls out from under the ring. Suddenly fog begins to creep over the set as a new theme plays.)_  
**DeMartino:** "And now their OPPONENTS, making THEIR professional debut! TANANDA Inglis and Priscilla PAYNE…together they are THE QUIET ONES!"  
_(The two developmental talents walk slowly down the ramp in unison. They are indeed two of the quietest kids at Lawndale High, and a chill seems to fall over the crowd, making 'Mercy in You' by Depeche Mode perfectly audible.)_  
**Barch:** "Shouldn't it be 'Enjoy the Silence?'" *cackles*  
**O'Neill:** "Maybe their kind of silence isn't meant to be enjoyed. They seem rather unsettling to me…"  
_(Tananda, the small blonde wears a two-piece outfit in the same pale green color as her usual dress. Priscilla, the taller brunette, has a dull blue tank top and a black skirt over long tights.)_

Ω

**The Cheerleader Squad w/Brittany Taylor vs. The Quiet Ones**

**O'Neill:** "And already, this team is living up to its name…they seem amazingly calm and focused for 'newbies,' don't you think, Janet?"  
**Barch:** "Thank goodness. We've got enough motor-mouths around here. You know how long I had to put up with that from my ex-husband? THIRTY…TWO…YEARS!"  
**O'Neill:** "Um, yes, that's good. It's perfectly healthy to feel that way."  
**Barch:** "Oh, shut up."  
_(Angie, Nikki and Brittany join in a pre-match routine. In contrast, Priscilla and Tananda hardly move. Then the bell rings, and they're a pastel blur. Brittany shrieks and clears out as the Quiet Ones hit dual clotheslines and put the boots to their opponents. Trent orders Priscilla to the apron, leaving Tananda to work over Nikki.)_  
**Barch:** "Hey, I like these girls! Now that's how you start your first match. Make an impression! On someone else's face if possible."  
_(Tananda shows equal parts skill and patience as she starts wearing down Nikki with an arm bar. The cheerleader squirms around in an effort to reach the ropes, but Tananda plants a knee on her back and increases the pressure. Nikki finally frees herself, but is tripped up before she can make a tag.)_  
**O'Neill:** "I'm very impressed by how well these girls are doing against the former tag team champions."  
**Barch:** "Tell me about it. They even watched tape of their opponents in the 48 hours since the tournament. How else could they know Nikki is left-handed?"  
_(Tananda tags in Priscilla but makes her first rookie mistake—forgetting to double-team her opponent in the ten-second window. She tries to go back in, but is denied by Trent. Priscilla is already going after the sore arm of Nikki, but unlike her partner she favors a striking offense. The barrage of kicks and knee-drops on the arm is effective, but Nikki lashes out with her shoes and catches her in the stomach. That's all the time she needs to make a rolling tag.)_

**O'Neill:** "And here comes her partner Angie! Let's see if she fares any better. She's certainly getting enough encouragement from Brittany."  
_(Brittany is jumping around excitedly, drawing a fair amount of attention at ringside. Angie's dropkick knocks down a rising Priscilla. Tananda watches without expression, waiting patiently for a possible tag. Angie hits a bodyslam and covers for a one-count. She shoulders Priscilla into the corner and runs in a circle around the ring, coming back with a jumping elbow strike. The team captain quickly takes control of the match.)_  
**Barch:** "Now it's getting interesting. The crowd favorites are back on top!"  
**O'Neill:** "Priscilla is the one at a disadvantage now, but Tananda hasn't said a word of encouragement. She's just kind of staring."  
**Barch:** "Encouragement uses energy! It'll pay off later on if they keep it up."  
**O'Neill:** "Angie tags Nikki back in! She's not using that arm much, but she seems to be feeling better about this match."  
_(Punches from Nikki. She throws Priscilla to the ropes for a back body drop. Another cover.)_  
**O'Neill:** "That one was a two-count! The cheerleaders' teamwork is beginning to take a toll on Priscilla Payne."  
_(Nikki is getting up from the pinning position when Priscilla sees an opening and kicks her in the left arm. She rolls away, trying to cushion the arm from the mat but that just makes her weakness more obvious. Priscilla tags Tananda back in and now they waste no time doing a double-team attack.)_  
**O'Neill:** "Nikki Dowling is certainly having problems out there. The Quiet Ones are really going after that arm!"  
**Barch:** "Blood in the water! She'd better get another tag and quick."  
_(A double bodyslam plants all of Nikki's weight right on the arm and Trent orders Priscilla back to the corner. Nikki sits up only to be dropkicked down again by Tananda for a two-count. The blonde goes back to her holds, and soon she has Nikki close to submitting. Her hand hovers over the mat on a particularly brutal Fujiwara armbar but Brittany and the crowd help her hang in there.  
Finally she sees her chance. When Tananda turns to tag Priscilla, Nikki uses the good arm to blast her straight into her partner. Nikki turns and gets a diving tag to Angie!)_

**Barch:** "Now business is picking up! Angie is by far the fresher of the two and she's got revenge on her mind!"  
_(Flying shoulder block to Tananda who goes sprawling. Running forearm smash to Priscilla, which knocks her down to the floor all over again. The crowd is feeling it as Zammit hits a snake-eyes on Tananda, then levels her with a spear as she stumbles away. One...two...kick-out!)_  
**O'Neill:** "That's impressive, Janet. These girls are showing plenty of resilience themselves."  
**Barch:** "True, but never count out the cheerleaders. The always find ways to win out there. Remember how much butt they kicked in the tag tournament?"  
**O'Neill:** "Back suplex from Angie! And now...she can't be going up to the top rope!"  
**Barch:** "Guess she didn't hear you skinny, 'cause that's just where she's headed!"  
**O'Neill:** "Moonsault from Angie! That was perfect! Into the cover! One, two...Priscilla Payne breaks it up!"  
**Barch:** "That was clutch, skinny! No other way to put it. She got there when her partner needed her the most."  
_(Nikki blasts Priscilla with a missle dropkick off the top, and lands on her good arm as well.)_  
**O'Neill:** "They're not going for Blood, Sweat and Cheers, are they?"  
_(Nikki has to go back to the apron so Angie can legally tag her. Angie slams Tananda and together they go up for a double elbow drop.)_  
**O'Neill:** "They're going to do it! Here they come-no! Priscilla pulled her partner away, and the cheerleaders get bruised elbows for their trouble."  
**Barch:** "That's what happens when you show off too much for the men."  
_(Tananda tags Priscilla, and they've got a hungry look in their eyes now. Priscilla lifts Angie into a side slam as Tananda comes off the ropes and legdrops her for extra impact.)_  
**Barch: **"The Introverter connects! And don't ask me where I heard that name, 'cause I just came up with it now! Angie is finished."  
_(But Nikki is the legal woman, and Priscilla locks onto her with a brutal cross arm breaker in the middle of the ring. This match looks to be more over than the paper dress—but somehow, Nikki Dowling refuses to tap out. She thrashes around and manages to get her foot on the nearest rope, forcing a break!  
Brittany bursts into an extremely high-pitched cheer at ringside. Tananda runs across the ring and suddenly takes her out with a baseball slide. Angie is still down. Priscilla signals for another big move, but a decimated Nikki hooks her into a small package and gets THREE!)_  
**Barch:** "Are you kidding?! How the hell did they pull that one off?"  
**O'Neill:** "I'm as shocked as you are, Janet!"  
_(Brittany does an impromptu cheer routine outside. DeMartino groans upon having to hear their music twice, but he manages to announce the winners through his grinding teeth. Brittany and Angie help an unsteady Nikki to the back. Tananda and Priscilla do likewise, but far more quietly.)_  
**O'Neill:** "What a win for the Cheerleader Squad—but what a debut for the Quiet Ones! Those girls look like they could be a very successful team in the near future."  
**Barch:** "That's not a bad way to say it, for a man, but you know how I would put it? The Cheerleaders, a veteran tag team and former champions, looked LUCKY to win this match."  
**O'Neill:** "I'm afraid you're right."  
**Barch:** "But hey, however you can get it in this world. And they're in line for a title shot against the Dames of Darkness now! Can't wait to see that one."

**WINNERS BY PINFALL: The Cheerleader Squad**

_(We immediately cut to the first floor of the mall interior, where Diane Bennett is standing by with a huge, unibrowed and extremely ANGRY-looking young man.)_  
**Bennett:** "Janet, Timothy, it is with some reluctance that I am here to interview 'Mad' Moe Norton, a seemingly unstoppable new force in the men's ranks-and he has his sights set on the superstars of his former football team, the Lawndale Lions. But Moe, what is it the Lions did to deserve the chaos you have been raising for them lately?"  
**Moe:** "It's really simple, money lady. THEY MADE ME MAD."  
_(His beady eyes burn into the camera. Bennett edges away from him, as best she can while still holding the mic.)_  
**Moe:** "When the little woman in a suit brought me in to be the new Lawndale quarterback? We coulda been the best team EVER. I gave everybody on MY team a real simple choice. If you win the games, you get to kick me in the head. If you lose...I'll kill ya! (stares even harder) When the old QB and that Mack dude stole the team back from me, they chose to lose. And now...I'm gonna kill 'em."


	3. Andrea vs Elsie

_(Back to the ringside area now, and what a relief. We've just seen an angry and intense interview with Mad Moe, the one-time replacement QB for the Lions.)_  
**Barch**: "Oh, get out from under the desk, Tim! You're not wrestling him."  
**O'Neill**: "I w-wouldn't want to b-be one of his opponents tonight, either…"  
**Barch**: "If you guys haven't heard enough yakking yet, here's some more from a strong, independent woman. Let's take you backstage again while this ninny recovers."

_(Claire Defoe is waiting there in the mall parking lot with the ring visible in the background. Standing next to her is a short, slender young woman with a perfect fringe of brown hair and a bored expression. She wears purple tights and a matching midriff top.)_  
**Defoe:** "Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to the newest addition to Lawndale Fighting Championship, Elsie Sloane. _(uncertain cheers, some boos)_ Elsie, given your…controversial entrance into the company, Chairwoman Angela Li has allowed you to make your LFC debut, but it will be one of the most challenging matches ever given to a newcomer as you face the accomplished Women's Tag Team champion, Andrea Hecuba-Thorne."  
_(Elsie flashes a withering half-smile; you get the feeling that's the happiest she ever looks.) _  
**Elsie:** "You're right, Ms. Defoe. That is a challenge. Maybe I should just skip the formalities of competing and take a World Title shot in my debut. What do you think?"  
**Defoe:** _(startled)_ "Well, of course not, Els— _(pauses at the look Elsie shoots her)_ Er, Miss Sloane. There are certain procedures that have to be…"  
**Elsie:** "That's funny. No one seemed to mind when my brother did it."  
_(Crowd reacts instantly, some booing, others unsure. Elsie shoots a sour look at the camera.)_  
**Elsie:** "Being a Sloane is not all fun and games, TOM. It's a responsibility. A responsibility you've been dodging all your life. Whether it's skipping out of family obligations to date girls we don't know, or walking out on FAW before your contract was up. And I'm always the one who has to clean up your messes. I interfered in your matches to settle FAW's score. Now I'm settling my own. And if our family isn't too busy watching ice sculptures melt, they will see me set an example they can really be proud of."  
_(Elsie walks off as all the lights around the ring go out.)_

**Barch:** "Speaking of sibling rivalry! I take my hat off to that girl. It's about time someone laid down the law to her slacker of a brother."  
**O'Neill:** "You liked him when he was facing another male…"  
**Barch:** "So what?"  
**O'Neill:** "Well, I think we really should try to stay impartial."  
**Barch:** "If you don't like it, you can go back to Teen Holiday Action anytime, skinny!"  
**O'Neill:** "Please Janet, I'd really rather not talk about that…"  
**Barch:** "Or jump to Fielding Academy Wrestling! Is there anyone to root for in that company?!"  
**O'Neill:** *sigh* "Not since the Sloanes left, I believe…"  
_('Haunted' by Evanescence flows into the building, and Andrea rises through the flames to a great reception. She has her Women's Tag Team Title belt on her shoulder.)_  
**DeMartino:** "Introducing FIRST, from Lawndale MARYLAND by way of the ETERNAL VOID…Andrea Hecuba-THORNE!"  
**O'Neill:** "It's wonderful to see Andrea fulfilling her true potential here, after being in the background for so long."  
**Barch:** "I'll say! She's taken control of her destiny and it's been something to behold. I pity anyone who gets in her way, whether it's solo or in the tag scene! She and Scarlett LeFaye are dominating right now."  
_(Elsie comes out to 'Erase Rewind' by The Cardigans, indifferent to the mixed reaction. Her eyes never leave Andrea during her steady walk to the ring.)_  
**DeMartino:** "And her OPPONENT, making her LFC DEBUT: from Newtown, Connecticut…ELSIE SLOANE!"  
**O'Neill:** "Here it is, Janet. Elsie Sloane will compete in an LFC ring for the very first time."  
**Barch:** "I've been waiting for the day when she would take off the mask and kick some ass. Let's get on with it!"

Ω

**Andrea Hecuba-Thorne vs. Elsie Sloane**

_(Elsie and Andrea circle each other as the bell rings. Elsie's movements are careful and calculated; Andrea's stance is much looser as she motions for a lock-up. Elsie steps into it and is quickly backed up by her opponent's superior strength.)_  
**Barch:** "Elsie's not going to out-muscle that girl! She has to use a girl's greatest weapon: brains."  
**O'Neill:** "And she pushes off the bottom rope to force Andrea backwards!"  
**Barch:** "Wow, never seen that trick before."  
_(The tag champ pushes Elsie back to the ropes; Elsie pushes off of them again. Andrea loses patience...)_  
**O'Neill:** "Oh my! And Andrea shoves her right across the ring!"  
_(Elsie scrambles up angrily and runs right into another grapple; same result. She's up a second time, her face red with anger, and slaps Andrea right across the face.)_  
**O'Neill:** "Oh no..."  
**Barch:** "They heard that one in the back row!"  
_(Andrea loses it and rushes her. Elsie catches her in a drop toehold and she goes face first to the mat. Arm bar applied; Andrea tries to get up and Elsie cuts her off at the knee, maintaining the hold.)_  
**Barch:** "She hates to be embarrassed, you can see that right off..."  
_(Andrea fights up to a kneeling position again. Elsie jumps right on the small of her back to force her down, then switches to a rear chin lock. The crowd is on Andrea's side though, and she finally throws Elsie off with sheer strength. Elsie rushes back in without thinking. Andrea rolls her right into a small package and nearly gets three!)_  
**O'Neill:** "That was so close, Janet! And it's just how our last match ended!"  
**Barch:** "That's instinct. All the fancy wrestling schools in the world can't teach you that."

_(A furious Elsie drills Andrea in the face with a dropkick to keep her down, and this time she sticks to the game plan, keeping her opponent grounded and measuring her offense. She jumps and lands sitting on Andrea's stomach, driving all the air out of her body in one move.  
Andrea turns over, grimacing in pain, and Elsie leg-locks her as the crowd chants "Dame of Darkness." Andrea reaches the ropes and Jesse Moreno forces Elsie to break the hold, which she does just before the count of five, risking disqualification to do more damage.)_  
**O'Neill:** "Elsie is very much in control of his one! That's not quite what we expected from her first performance."  
**Barch:** "Nobody knew what to expect! Well, except me."  
**O'Neill:** "And this could take more than a physical toll on Andrea. I don't think a smaller opponent has ever controlled her like this before."  
_(Despite encouragement from the crowd, Andrea is being thoroughly outsmarted here as Elsie keeps her down with strikes and holds. Feeling very comfortable, Elsie takes her time setting up for a Figure Four—and Andrea reacts, kicking her straight through the ropes! Elsie sprawls on the floor and the fans go wild.)_  
**O'Neill:** "Oh my goodness! And look at the strength Andrea still has, even from a prone position!"  
**Barch:** "Elsie doesn't know where she is out there. The goth is getting her groove back…"

_(Andrea clambers up and baseball slides right into Elsie, showing uncanny agility. Elsie flies backward into the railing and Andrea's all over her, throwing punches as the ringside fans cheer her on.)_  
**Barch:** "Now it's picking up! Maybe Andrea can't win a scientific contest with this girl, but she sure as hell can win a brawl!"  
**O'Neill:** "Um, they're getting a little close to us…EEP!"  
_(O'Neill recoils back as Andrea lifts Elsie and drops her right on the broadcast table! Barch jumps in front of him in an amusing scene.)_  
**Barch:** "Hey, watch it! I need him alive for the wedding!"  
_(Andrea shrugs and leans over to grab Elsie, who's lying on the table. Elsie puts a hold on her! Triangle choke from the table! Andrea's never been put in something like that before and struggles to get out of it.)_  
**Barch:** "She got caught! She got caught right in front of us!"  
**O'Neill:** "What a move by Elsie, and Andrea is in trouble again—wait! She's lifting her off the table—power bomb on the floor! That's got to rattle every bone in her body."  
_(Andrea shakes her head, still seeing stars, but she has the presence of mind to avoid a near count-out by sliding in and out of the ring.)_  
**O'Neill:** "She's going right back after her."  
**Barch:** "Who can blame her? If she's winning the match outside, why not keep it there?"  
_(Andrea leans down to pick Elsie up and gets rocked with a kick to the temple. Elsie's up on the steel steps and blasts her with a cross-body dive. Andrea rolls right through and picks her up, driving her back-first into the ringpost!)_

**Barch:** "This is getting ugly! Neither one of these girls may get out in one piece!"  
_(Andrea still seems a bit disoriented from the kick as she takes her time recovering. Elsie struggles to pull herself back into the ring, where she still has a chance of winning the match. Finally she makes it. But Andrea follows and drills her with stomps. Andrea puts a foot on her back and grabs her arms, pulling them back in a surfboard hold. Elsie struggles a lot more than she was expecting, and Andrea curb stomps her face into the mat.)_  
**Barch:** "Damn! That was nasty!"  
**O'Neill:** "Andrea rolls her into a pin—no! Only two!"  
**Barch:** "She's no street fighter, but she can take punishment, can't she?"  
**O'Neill:** "Oh, yes. You can't make it at Fielding without that ability."  
**Barch:** "Must be all those paddling rituals! Wanna try it sometime?"  
**O'Neill:** "Ha ha. I don't think so, Janet."  
_(Andrea throws Elsie to the ropes. Back body drop! Off the ropes and here's a legdrop by Andrea. Another pin, still two. The crowd is ready for the finish, and so is Andrea. She blasts Elsie in the face with mounted punches, showing off her strength advantage again. Elsie fights back bitterly, throwing knees and elbows at the goth queen.)_  
**Barch:** "I'll be damned! Look at her fight from the ground! Forget LFC, this looks like UFC!"  
_(Andrea slaps Elsie across the face, returning the favor from earlier-but it's a gesture she regrets as Elsie leans back and wraps her legs around her throat! It's the Triangle Choke again! Andrea nearly panics, rolling across the ring as Elsie holds on, and this time she needs the ropes to escape from it.)_  
**O'Neill:** "I think that move is getting to Andrea, Janet. Every time the fan favorite is on a roll, Elsie just clamps it on and really throws off her strategy."  
**Barch:** "She wasn't expecting a fight like this, that's for sure. But she's been to the wars and won many of 'em, don't worry about her!"  
_(Elsie puts Andrea's neck across the rope and stands on it, nearly drawing another disqualification. A moment later she tries it again. Andrea pulls her down so she's sitting on her shoulders, falls back and plants her on the canvas.)_  
**O'Neill:** "Electric Chair Slam! You're right, she's getting ready for something big here!"  
_(Not messing around anymore, Andrea makes a guillotine motion to the crowd and lifts her smaller opponent into a Torture Rack. She cranks it up as Elsie writhes in pain, but she refuses to submit, so Andrea falls and slams her facedown on the mat.)_  
**Barch:** "Andrea hits the Fall From Grace! Call it, skinny!"  
**O'Neill:** "Cover! One…two…what?!"  
**Barch:** "Three?"  
**O'Neill:** "No, it wasn't! Elsie's foot is on the rope and Jesse saw it!"  
**Barch:** "Should've known. Those rich kids, they get out of everything."  
**O'Neill:** "Wait a minute! What's going on out here?!"

_(A gawky young man with glasses has just jumped the guard rail, and it's not Ted DeWitt-Clinton. He pulls Elsie feet-first out of the ring, climbs on the apron and yells at Jesse with wild gesticulations. Jesse just stares at him in confusion, as does Andrea.)_  
**O'Neill:** "I think that's Pat Hackney VII, an accomplished FAW wrestler who definitely should not be out here…"  
**Barch:** "Then throw that MAN out and get on with the match!"  
_(Pat VII concludes whatever ridiculous speech he is giving with a slap to the face of Jesse, who snaps and chases him around ringside. He runs right into the rest of Mystik Spiral, who have to carry him kicking and screaming from the ring area. As their attention is occupied, a tough-looking blonde in a uniform also jumps out of the audience and into the ring!)_  
**Barch:** "Sue Bentley! What the hell is the leader of the Axis doing out here?!"  
**O'Neill:** "Andrea doesn't see her—superkick to the face from Bentley! Andrea may be out of it!"  
**Barch:** "You lost at Esteemsters Series, get over it! I swear, if I see any more of these over-privileged dingbats in our ring—"  
**O'Neill:** "I think she's here to help Elsie."  
_(But it's clear from Elsie's furious expression that she doesn't want any help. She grabs Andrea's tag title belt from the broadcast table, rolls in and blasts Bentley in the head with it to a huge crowd reaction!)_  
**O'Neill:** "What a shot! And Elsie Sloane is seething!"  
**Barch:** "That's what she thinks of your help! Way to go, girl! Take care of your own business."  
**O'Neill:** "I think that answers the question of where her loyalties are. She's one of us now. We may never know the whole story behind this, but here comes Mystik Spiral to restore order. Jesse's back in the ring, and it looks like this match is going to continue."

_(Elsie waits for Andrea to get up, and after all this they're back to square one, circling each other. Andrea fakes a lock-up and pulls Elsie right into a short-arm clothesline. Headlock, but Elsie squirms out of it and cranks the arm! Andrea headbutts her to break it up. Elsie stumbles back into the corner and eats a running splash. Chops in the corner, one after another. Andrea throws her right across the ring in a belly to belly suplex as the Plaza goes nuts. Elsie's in bad shape, but she still kicks out at two. Andrea starts climbing the nearest corner...)_  
**Barch:** "What the heck is she going to do up there?"  
**O'Neill:** "I don't know, but Elsie is already getting up—there! Elbow to the small of the back, and Andrea is just hanging on now!"  
**Barch:** "I knew that was a big mistake..."  
_(Elsie traps Andrea's feet in the turnbuckle and pulls her upside down, delivering vicious kicks and elbows to the face and midsection. The crowd reacts with each one, and they're showing the new girl more respect now. Elsie goes to the opposite corner, then runs back and spears Andrea as she's hanging upside down!)_  
**O'Neill:** "A spear right into the corner! I don't think Andrea can even breathe right now! Elsie's covering her!"  
_(Somehow Andrea kicks out at two. Elsie jumps up on the second rope and waits for her to get up, then smashes her in the head with a diving knee!)_

**O'Neill:** "Andrea is taking so many blows to the head in this match—there's no way she can get up from that! Cover!"  
**Barch:** "NO! The shoulder's up at two and a half! What is keeping her in this thing?"  
_(Andrea's punch-drunk at this point, but she won't stay down. Elsie jumps up behind her and takes her into a crucifix pin. She kicks out again—and traps Elsie on her shoulders, lifting her up again!)_  
**O'Neill:** "Andrea has her! She's going for another Fall From Grace!"  
_(Andrea racks her again to set up for the slam, but her grip has weakened. Elsie slips out of it and falls, pulling Andrea down with her back across her knees.)_  
**O'Neill:** "Lungblower! That was a brutal move! And now what's Elsie doing-she reapplies the Triangle Choke!"  
**Barch:** "A THIRD time. She has to submit! It's that or pass out!"  
_(Andrea alternates between weak struggling and hovering her hand over the mat, but she doesn't tap out. The crowd is trying to will her onward, but this time she's on her back and can't lift Elsie up. After a few moments she is motionless, and Jesse drops her arm for the first time.)_  
**O'Neill:** "That's one…"  
_(Elsie hangs on with a death grip. Jesse lifts the arm again; down it goes.)_  
**Barch:** "One more and it's over!"  
_(The arm falls a third time, and the crowd is stunned as Jesse stops the match. The bell rings and Elsie finally releases the hold as her music plays. Jesse raises her arm, but she's too tired to stand and celebrate.)_

**WINNER BY MATCH STOPPAGE: Elsie Sloane**

**O'Neill:** "What a match. I feel like we just saw a main event in the third contest."  
**Barch:** "Elsie really proved herself here, Tim. Setting an example, indeed! And I'd like to point out that, unlike her brother, she was able to put somebody out tonight."  
**O'Neill:** "But what an effort from Andrea. She kicked out of everything Elsie threw at her, and chose to pass out rather than submit to her opponent."  
**Barch:** "That surprises you? She's already at one with the void."  
**O'Neill:** "Wow. Elsie Sloane wins in her debut, and now let's take you backstage!"  
**Barch:** "So we can get Sue Bentley out of here, or whatever's left of her."


	4. Upchuck & Stacy vs Burnout & Shaggy

_(Quinn Morgendorffer looks as lovely as ever in a yellow and pink two-piece outfit, with butterflies and halo smiley-faces on her knee and elbow pads—but her mood is not so bright.)_  
**Bennett:** "Quinn, if we can have a word with you about your match tonight—"  
**Quinn:** "Can't an incredibly cute wrestler get ready without being constantly interrupted? I have nothing to say about me and Daria, so if you could, like, leave…"  
**Bennett:** "Um…very well, Quinn. Sorry to bother—"  
**Quinn:** "OKAY! So I AM worried about it. She says she doesn't want to team with me and stuff. My own flesh and blood, Daria, my own flesh and blood…but you know what? Fine! Who needs you anyway? I'm sure there are lots of cuter, more popular people who would be happy to wrestle with me. I'll just find one of them instead!"  
_(She storms out of her very pink dressing room in a huff, followed closely by Bennett, out onto the second floor of the mall. She passes by a few talents before spotting Brittany Taylor at a jewelry booth.)_  
**Quinn:** "Hiiiii, Brittany! I heard you're not wrestling tonight, so I was wondering…"  
**Brittany:** _(sniffling, weeping)_ "Huh?"  
**Quinn:** "Um…are you okay?"  
**Brittany:** "It's so terrible, Quinn! These necklaces…they remind me of the one Kevvy gave meeee!" _(breaks down in tears)_  
**Quinn:** "And that's, like a bad thing?"  
**Brittany:** "YES! Because he's fighting that really mean OTHER quarterback and I'm so scared he's going to get hurt!"  
**Quinn:** "I see. That's too, too bad…well. Maybe it would make you feel better if YOU could do something tonight, like team with me in the main event. You will?! GREAT! Bye!"  
**Brittany:** _(blubbering unintelligibly)_ "Mmfff…but…*sob*…Kevvy…mmmphlll…so dangerous…poor poor Kevvy…"  
**Quinn:** "…On second thought, Brittany…if you really want to help Kevin, why don't you go out to the ring with him and make sure he doesn't get hurt?"  
**Brittany:** "Y-you really think so? Oh, THANK you, Quinn! I'll go out there and cheer for him. Let's be partners sometime!" _(bounces away)_  
**Quinn:** _(sigh)_ "Tonight would've been nice…"

_(Meanwhile, outside the mall façade, Stacy and Upchuck are discussing strategy for their match…)_  
**Stacy:** "Okay, Chuck, focus."  
**Upchuck:** "Why, I certainly AM focusing, my dear. Hhhhrrrowr!"  
**Stacy:** _(giggles nervously)_ "Okay, I mean focus on the MATCH. Because if you don't we're going to lose, you know?"  
**Upchuck:** "I adore that fighting spirit in your eyes, my darling! Fear not—Charles Ruttheimer the Third is a new man! And just waiting to be discovered…"  
**Stacy:** "Chuck…"  
**Upchuck:** _(normal voice)_ "Er, right. Sorry."  
**Stacy:** "Remember, I get to drive the motorcycle."  
**Upchuck:** "Very well. But we shall use MY music."  
**Stacy:** "Deal. Then come on, let's go!"  
_(Upchuck stares after her with…desire, or is it respect?)_  
**Upchuck:** "Mmmm. Feisty!"

Ω

**MIXED TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP  
Devan "Shaggy" Rogers & Jennifer "Burnout" Burns[c] vs. Stacy Rowe & Charles Ruttheimer III  
**  
_(The immortal strains of Jimi Hendrix burn across the parking lot and multicolored sparks cascade from the entrance, as 'Voodoo Child (Slight Return)' heralds the arrival of a wildly popular team.)  
_**O'Neill:** "Here we go. This is one of the matches I've been looking forward to the most! Everyone's been talking about it: what on earth is going to happen when these teams get in the ring?"  
**Barch:** "Upchuck's still a snake, skinny. I'm telling you now so you won't be hurt later. There's no way Stacy Rowe can trust him out here tonight!"  
**O'Neill:** "Well, she's giving him a chance and that's more than anyone else will do. Stacy is heading toward a showdown with Sandi Griffin for the inaugural U.S. Championship, and she still fought for this opportunity."  
**Barch:** "I have to give you that. Rowe is starving to death to be a champion in the LFC."  
**O'Neill:** "But something has to give here, because Jennifer and Devan have been on fire since they defeated the Track Stars to be crowned the first Mixed Tag champions!"  
**Barch:** "Yeah, you might say they're really blazing up."  
**O'Neill:** "Now that's enough of that…"  
_(Shaggy looks as vague and distracted as ever, slapping hands with every fan who waves at him. Burnout and their manager Coyote Yeager pass the time with an air guitar duet to the music. All three of them wear tie-dye bandanas with their regular attire, which they toss into the crowd!)  
_**O'Neill:** "Well, it's going to be hard to match THAT kind of reaction, but this next team just might do it…"

_('Voodoo Child' fades out and there is silence for a moment. Then we hear the sound of a motorcycle revving up—once, twice, three times—Stacy loves driving the fans nuts with this, putting them at a fever pitch before she even comes out. Then Upchuck's theme, 'Love Rollercoaster' by The Red Hot Chili Peppers, comes on, and out she comes on the bike with Upchuck sitting behind her! Red, white and blue pyro goes off along the ramp as they roar down to the ring.)  
_**Barch:** "Never thought I'd see anything like this, I admit it…but enjoy it while it lasts! I've got my eye on that pervert."  
**O'Neill:** "Don't spoil the moment, Janet. I think they can be a real team out here. Wow, Stacy is circling that ring two…no, three times! She really is fired up tonight, and Charles…well, enough said."  
**Barch:** "Gotta love the way it's freaking out the hippies! Look at 'em, they're totally disoriented…oh, wait, they're always like that. For all we know, they just saw two gila monsters riding through a crowd of Jerry Garcia bobbleheads. They're nuts!"  
**O'Neill:** "But they can't be underestimated! There's a method to their madness, and they've got the titles to prove it."

_(Since it's a championship match, DeMartino waits until both teams are in the ring to announce them. Both of them seem equally loved by the fans. Stacy and Upchuck exchange a few words, and she stays in the ring, offering to start the match with Burnout. She nods slowly, the bell rings and it's on.  
Burnout runs toward Stacy. She braces herself, and…never mind, Burnout just falls down and relaxes on the mat. Stacy pauses. If the other team wants to play mind games…she has a partner who can help with that! She immediately tags Upchuck, and some cautious boos rain down as he climbs in.)  
_**Barch:** "Well he didn't try to grope her during the first tag, I'll give him that. But just you wait!"  
_(Burnout continues to lounge with her hands behind her head. Suddenly there's Upchuck standing over her, gyrating suggestively with his tacky leopard-print tights and sleazy grin. Burnout jumps up and scrambles to the corner to tag in Shaggy!)  
_**Barch:** _(cackling)_ "Turnabout is fair play! That got a reaction out of her, didn't it?"  
**O'Neill:** "…Does this mean you actually agree with something Charles did?"  
**Barch:** "You're imagining things. Call the match."  
_(Ruttheimer offers to lock up with Shaggy but fakes him out at the last second and just fluffs his hair while the crowd boos. Even the Shagmeister doesn't have infinite patience, so he just does a double-leg takedown and falls into a headlock. Upchuck thrashes around and gets up to his feet. Shaggy throws him to the ropes and knocks him down with a shoulder block. Elbow drop presses the advantage.)_  
**Barch:** "Typical! I told you, this lech is just like most men. When things get serious, he's useless."  
**O'Neill:** "I've always believed that underneath his personality is a talented wrestler. Maybe we'll see it tonight."  
_(Cover for a quick one-count. Shaggy tags in Burnout and they double hip toss Upchuck across the ring. Burnout pulls him back to her side of the ring before he can make a tag and hits a moonsault splash from the ropes! Cover for a two-count.)_  
**Barch:** "She's bringing out the big guns early, as usual! And against this kid it's just as well. Pound him Burnsie!"  
**O'Neill:** "Upchuck has yet to muster any offense in this match. You can't win by showmanship."  
_(Stacy looks on with concern and slaps the turnbuckle pad trying to drum up support, but the fans aren't sure about Upchuck yet. The geek reacts, spinning out of a wristlock into a single-leg takedown. Burnout jumps up much faster than he expected and dropkicks him right into the corner. She's going for Crashing Burns in the corner—but Upchuck dodges before she makes it there and tags in his partner.)_

**Barch:** "There! With Stacy in, at least they stand a chance."  
_(Lock-up. Armbar from Burns but Stacy sweeps her legs out from under her. Front headlock, Burns struggles up and attempts a vertical suplex; Stacy knees her in the head, drops back down and takes her into a backslide pin for one. Double-leg takedown and somersault pin by Burns for a one-count of her own. Both up, Stacy ducks a clothesline and comes off the ropes with a dropkick; Burns dodges her as well and stretches Stacy's back in a bow and arrow lock; she immediately slips out and falls on her in a pinning position for two! Headlock from Burns as she tries to get control; Stacy's up and throws her into a huge back suplex! That all happened even faster than it sounded and the Sprawlville fans are loving it. Burnout rolls over and tags in Shaggy.)  
_**O'Neill:** "And what an exchange that was!"  
**Barch:** "Normally I don't agree with a woman turning to a man for help, but Burnout got her bell rung there. Let's just hope that space cadet doesn't lose the match for her."  
**O'Neill:** "I think Shaggy is a very capable wrestler, despite his eccentricities."  
_(Stacy rushes in and tackles him right into his corner! She gets set and jumps in for a splash, but Burns pulls Shaggy away and she just hits the turnbuckles.)_  
**Barch:** "Mental error from Stacy there! Always remember where your opponent's partner is. You can see she's out of practice in tag matches, especially since her expulsion from the Fashion Club."  
**O'Neill:** "I think that was best for her in the long run. But she can't forget what she learned in those days if she wants to come away with the titles here."

_(Stacy gets up and Shaggy floors her again with a bulldog off the ropes. Cover for a quick two! Shaggy stares at the referee (Max) like he thought it would be over already. "Focus, maaaan!" Coyote instructs him from ringside, and he's right. Stacy uses the time to roll outside and pull Shaggy down by his feet. Tag to Upchuck. She jumps back out and holds Shaggy's feet from outside while Chuck rushes in and hits a huge knee drop to Shaggy's head!)  
_**O'Neill:** "And these two are working together! That's a real tag team strategy."  
**Barch:** "Yeah, now let's see what he does to mess it up."  
_(Upchuck puts a sleeper hold on Shaggy as he gets up, but is backed into the corner. Punches and chops from Shaggy. Upchuck blocks one and shoulder him into the corner instead. A series of knife-edge chops on Shaggy, with a little hip action on the last one! Shaggy goes down.)  
_**Barch:** "Disgusting! Next time warn me before he does that."  
**O'Neill:** "I can't read his mind, Janet..."  
**Barch:** "Good, you'd be scarred for life!"  
_(Upchuck hits a Bronco Buster in the corner! Pulls Shaggy out by his feet and turns him over into a Lion Tamer. The wannabe ladies man is really wrestling now, and Shaggy is in for a struggle before he reaches the ropes. Upchuck pulls him off and maintains the hold, and now Burnout runs in to break it up! Stacy runs her off as Chuck presses the advantage. Legdrop on Shaggy and he scissors the party animal's neck with both legs, forcing him to spend more energy getting back to the ropes.  
Chuck pulls him outside the ring and the fans can't believe what they're seeing as he leg sweeps Shaggy's back into the railing. Burnout avenges him with a running body splash off the apron! This thing's breaking down in a hurry as Stacy throws Burnout right over the broadcast table and into O'Neill and Barch's laps. She joins Upchuck in throwing Shaggy back in the ring. Quick tag. Stacy goes for it all with a diving elbow smash off the top rope-and she nails it! Shaggy may be out as she rolls into the cover. No, only two!)_  
**O'Neill:** "What a show of resilience from Shaggy!"  
**Barch:** "And Burnout's so close to us we can smell her! Lucky for her we're not cops, O'Neill."

_(Burns struggles up, and for once she's lost her cool. Up on the apron, springboards from the ropes in a missile dropkick-Stacy jumps aside and she hits her partner! The rest of Spiral pulls her back and threatens to disqualify her as Stacy tags Upchuck. Yakuza Kick from Stacy into an STO by Chuck! Burnout makes the save again and gets back to her corner fast this time, calling for a tag.)  
_**Barch:** "Shaggy's out of his head, and that was before the match even started! He needs a tag, NOW."  
**O'Neill:** "And Jennifer is as excited here as we've ever seen her. I don't think the champions were expecting a challenge like this."  
**Barch:** "Neither was anyone else! Stacy's on fire and I have to admit, Upchuck's not stinking up the ring."  
_(Upchuck looks serious for once as he motions for the Lion Tamer again and cinches it in. But he's too close to the ropes and Shaggy's able to hold on this time. Kicks from Chuck as he pulls himself to his feet. He ducks one and hits an atomic drop on Upchuck. He pulls him in for his finisher!)  
_**O'Neill:** "Red Eye Express from Shaggy! Almost out of nowhere!"  
**Barch:** "Also called a fisherman's suplex, although I don't like THAT name much better. Don't worry about a pin, Shaggy, just get to the damn corner!"  
_(Shaggy does, and Burnout is finally tagged in! Spear on Upchuck as he tries to get up. She jumps on the second rope and hits a guillotine legdrop. Elbow to the head of Stacy, who drops to the floor. Burnout comes back around and nails her with a baseball slide. She falls back and hits the broadcast table, and now no one can stop Burns from finishing this.)  
_**O'Neill:** "Upchuck is reeling! Jennifer out of the corner. Crashing Burns! She hits the spinning heel kick!"  
**Barch:** "Say goodnight, Hef!"

_(One, two, and Upchuck kicks out!)_  
**Barch:** "What? WHAT?"  
**O'Neill:** "The crowd can't believe it-we can't believe it! With no one to help him, Upchuck somehow got out of that pin!"  
_(The arena is truly split now as a frustrated Burnout measures him for another heel kick. He falls over before she can hit him and her foot clips Max instead! He falls to his knees in a daze and now Coyote's on the apron, pulling a pipe out of his jacket and blowing powder into Upchuck's face!)  
_**O'Neill:** "Oh my! Coyote Yeager wants his team to win by any means necessary!"  
**Barch:** "What the heck was in that pipe? Never mind, I don't want to know."  
_(Upchuck is blinded. Burnout's scouting him again from across the ring. She's taking off-Stacy runs outside and grabs her ankle! Burns goes down face first and Shaggy chases her back around the ring. Stacy makes it to the ropes and somehow Upchuck remembers where she's supposed to be; he falls into their corner and she blind-tags him, no pun intended. Leaping Tornado DDT from Stacy on Burnout!  
Shaggy is rolling in, trying to interfere. Upchuck puts a leglock on him! Stacy's up on the opposite turnbuckle and hits an amazing diving senton on Burns!)_

**O'Neill:** "Stacy hits Liberation! Into the cover!"  
**Barch:** "Three! I don't believe it!"  
_(Neither can the crowd, or the new champions as Mystik Spiral hands them the tag belts. Upchuck finally clears his eyes and stares at his championship in amazement.)_  
**O'Neill:** "Soak it in, Charles! You've earned it this time!"  
**Barch:** "That's how it feels to win a championship fair and square. I hope he takes a lesson from it. And the freaks look like they're on a bad trip, don't they? I wonder if Shaggy's face will freeze like that!"  
**O'Neill: **"Shaggy and Burnout will always be the first-ever Mixed Tag champions, but Charles and Stacy will always be the team that took it away from them. No sport can create stars like professional wrestling, and we saw the proof again tonight."  
**Barch:** "I refuse to be happy about that pervert winning. But now that he's got a great woman on his side...well, we'll see."  
_(Stacy and Charles embrace as her music plays. Chuck fires up the motorcyle and together they ride backstage.)_

**WINNERS BY PINFALL, AND NEW MIXED TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: Stacy Rowe & Charles Ruttheimer III.**


	5. Unsportsmanlike Conduct Match

_(Ms. Defoe is waiting to interview Jodie Landon backstage. The crowd boos immediately when they see her. Landon is wearing a pink top with gray tights, and of course the LFC Women's World Title belt.)_

**Defoe: **"Jodie, tonight you make your first major defense of the Women's Title against Jane Lane. Any thoughts before you go into this matchup?"

**Jodie: **"Talking didn't win this title for me. And it won't help me keep it, either. I'm sick of talking about something that goes without saying. I'm the champion, I earned it fair and square, and this title is a part of me. It doesn't matter who the challenger is—they can't match the effort I will put in. I defend this belt not just with my body, but with my life. And that's what someone else will have to give to take it away. Now leave me alone."

_(She stalks away.)_

**O'Neill: **"Well, technically an exposed turnbuckle helped win the belt for her, but…"

**Barch: **"Who's keeping score?"

**O'Neill:** "Quinn Morgendorffer, the former champion, for one. She would love to get that belt back from Jodie, but she's got other things to worry about now."

**Barch: **"Yeah, like making it through the night. I hear she's still trying to find a different partner!"

**O'Neill:** "It's so sad. Daria and Quinn are both amazing competitors, but they have refused to work with each other throughout their careers. They learned nearly opposite wrestling styles, and they have not been in a proper tag team match yet. The last time was their outing against Tori and Tiffany-"

**Barch: **"Where Quinn was LATE, I might add."

**O'Neill:** "Yes, and they were barely in the ring at the same time. And the week before that, in their six-woman tag with Jane against Jodie Landon and the Dames of Darkness..."

**Barch: **"Same deal there. Play it!"

(Footage of that match is replayed, where Daria and Quinn refuse to even tag each other, using Jane as a go-between. Daria conspicuously fails to make a save when Quinn is hit with Eternal Dame-nation for a three-count. Jane was busy brawling with Jodie outside.)

**Barch:** "Daria was the one who screwed up that time! I don't care if you don't get along with your sister, you never hang your tag partner out to dry."

**O'Neill:** "And every LFC fan is wondering, will the same thing happen tonight? Or can these two possibly function?"

**Barch: **"As much as it pains me to say it, NO. They could be great together, but God forbid, that would mean letting go of their damned sibling rivalry. Women have to stick together to survive in this world, especially sisters! And they'll never be complete performers if they don't come to grips with that. I've told them and told them, but they never listen to me. Just…like…HIM!"

**O'Neill: **"Well. Speaking of survival, ladies and gentlemen…oh my gosh, I'm so scared. It's time for the Unsportsmanlike Conduct match…"

**Barch: **"Buck up skinny. It's about time those Neanderthals settled this once and for all."

_**A video package plays, showing the continued feud between the Bro /QB Connection and the Three J's even after Da Nice Guyz won the Men's Tag Team championship. The J's bragged about having a secret weapon on their side, and last week they revealed it: Moe, the embittered interim quarterback of the Lawndale Lions when Kevin was injured, attacked him and Mack out of nowhere and tore apart much of the ring area in the process. He's crazy, uncontrollable and seemingly unstoppable…and the best outcome for Bro/QB and the Guyz may not be victory, but making it out of the arena alive!**_

Ω

Ω

**UNSPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT MATCH**

The Bro & QB Connection (Michael 'Mack' Mackenzie & Kevin Thompson) and Da Nice Guyz (Robert Korleski & Ted DeWitt-Clinton) vs. The Three J's (Joey Black, Jeffy Gray & Jamie White) and 'Mad' Moe Norton

_(Survivor's 'Eye of the Tiger' plays, and right away excitement is at a fever pitch as the current Lawndale Lions QB enters with Brittany Taylor at his side!)_

**O'Neill:** "Oh my! It looks like Brittany has taken Quinn's advice!"

**Barch: **"Damn skippy! We needed a woman in this match. She may not have been my first choice, but this goof needs all the moral support he can get."

_(The QB and cheerleader discuss strategy in the ring [if a brief lip-lock counts as such] and 'Stronger' by Kanye West announces the arrival of his partner, fullback 'Mack' Mackenzie. He wears a black singlet—very professional, as opposed to Kevin's baffling decision to wrestle in his football uniform.)_

**O'Neill:** "Mack is a star on the rise in LFC! He put forth a tremendous effort at Esteemsters Series and almost won the Men's World Championship from Tom Sloane."

**Barch:** "I guess if I have to watch males out here, he's one of my first choices."

_(The Connection slaps hands, and soon they are joined by their partners in this eight-man tag. 'Why Can't We Be Friends' by War plays to a pretty good reception.)_

**Barch:** "Tim, do me a favor and kill me now."

**O'Neill:** "Now, Janet, really. They're perfectly talented wrestlers. They wouldn't be the Men's Tag Team champions otherwise."

**Barch:** "And I thought the J's were annoying champions."

_(Ted and Robert wear matching blue and silver tights. They take a while to high-five everyone at ringside, but finally they make it to the ring so the REALLY bad music can start. 'Hangin Tough' by New Kids on the Block makes DeMartino and much of the arena cringe as Joey, Jeffy and Jamie strut down the ramp in tank tops and gym shorts.)_

**O'Neill:** "Here are the Three J's, and they seem especially confident tonight."

**Barch: **"With that caveman on their side, I can't blame 'em!"

**O'Neill:** "I should remind everybody that this is not for the faint of heart. There will be no disqualifications in this match; no count-outs, foreign objects are legal, and Nick Campbell is only here to count the fall."

**Barch:** "But the fall still has to happen in the ring, skinny. If there's anything left of it."

Ω

_(The big moment arrives. 'Psycho' by Puddle of Mudd plays and all eyes are on the entrance. The chorus builds and the camera pans inside the mall, where a huge man in street clothes explodes out of The Sports Shorts and charges toward the exit like a rampaging bull. Terrified shoppers scurry to get out of his way as he leaps over a kiosk and tramples a dopey mascot. The Gupty kids are kind enough to hold the doors open for him._

_Moe barrels outside and down the entrance way as everyone thanks the lord for safety rails. Brittany shrieks and hides behind a desk. Nick orders the opening bell rung just so he can get the hell out of there. The J's merely jump aside and Moe is in the ring, turning Ted inside out with a vicious clothesline!)_

**Barch:** "Holy s***!"

**O'Neill:** "Look at him! Listen to this place!"

_(The fans can't help being charged by the electric presence of this guy, even though they're not rooting for him. Kevin and Mack both tackle him into the corner, but he shoves both of them back across the ring. Robert dropkicks him in the chest and just bounces off! He stumbles up and here's Moe off the ropes with a dropkick of his own. Robert crashes to the mat and rolls outside.)_

**O'Neill:** "I've never seen a wrestler that big do a dropkick!"

**Barch:** "I hope these guys are insured."

_(The Three J's are on the floor pounding Robert silly and throwing him into the rail. Mack rushes Moe and the former QB just backdrops him outside, right on top of them!)_

**O'Neill:** "I don't think he even cares about his own teammates in this match!"

**Barch:** "No kidding! He had those guys hiding in a dumpster when he played for Lawndale!"

_(Kevin fearlessly throws a punch at Moe. The monster steps back momentarily but comes back with a harder one. Kevin's ears must be ringing as he stumbles away. Moe's coming at him and Kevin tries to shield himself with some wild forearm strikes. Moe suddenly goes low with a leg takedown, then hurls Kevin outside under the bottom rope._

_The secret weapon follows his latest victim to the floor and the only one left in the ring is Ted, who's still trying to remember what planet he's on. Moe flings Kevin over the Spanish broadcast table, scattering the commentators. Brittany can't take it anymore; she jumps on Moe's back and starts choking him!)_

**Barch:** "Have at him, sister! It's all legal anyway!"

**O'Neill:** "Here comes Mac! Spear on the outside and Moe finally goes down!"

_(Mac starts trading punches with Jeffy while Joey and Jamie throw Robert right into Ted, taking them both down. Now they're bringing weapons out from under the ring. Jamie dents a trash can repeatedly on Robert. Joey leans over Ted and tries to choke him with a Singapore cane, but the uber-nerd has the strongest hands in the LFC and forces it right back into his face!_

_Joey rolls away with a bloody nose and now Ted is up! He grabs the cane and batters Jeffy with it, saving his partner from further punishment. Moe is getting up on the other side of the ring, but not for long as Kevin leaps off the Spanish table with a flying clothesline! Mack throws Jeffy right over the guard rail and starts putting the boots to Moe. He and Kevin throw the former QB into the ring steps.)_

**Barch:** "Good, now drop an anvil on him or something! Anything to keep this guy down so they have a chance of winning this thing! Um, not that I care or anything."

_(Robert breaks a mop right over Joey's back! "THAT'S NOT NICE! THAT'S NOT NICE!" The fans chant on that side, and they're absolutely loving it. Robert throws Joey into the ring and Ted pins him—only two!)_

**Barch:** "Dammit, that might've been their only shot to win this."

**O'Neill:** "How come?"

**Barch:** "MOE'S GETTING UP!"

Ω

_(Moe is lifting the steel steps in his arms. Before an amazed Kevin can react, the maniac clobbers him in the face with 50 pounds of metal!)_

**O'Neill:** "I think that knocked him out, Janet."

**Barch:** "Clear out, skinny! Women first!"

_(Moe is tackling Mack right over their table! O'Neill pulls Barch clear of the destruction and now we have no commentary in this match. Moe grabs Mack's legs and swings him from the ground, headfirst into the railing. The football star is motionless after that one and now Moe turns his attention to the ring._

_Jeffy's back in, nailing Ted with a missile dropkick. Robert's coming in after him but Joey's got his legs. Jamie just punched out a cameraman on the ramp and is running in with his camera. He nails both of Da Nice Guyz with it unmercifully and now Moe comes in to finish things off. The fans cheer and cringe at the same time as he gets set in the corner. His rage seems to overtake him completely as he lets out a blood-chilling roar and blasts Robert with the hardest spear the LFC has ever seen, turning him upside down in the air!)_

**Barch:** _(back on headset)_ "It's the I'LL KILL YA! Oh my Goddess, get the paramedics down here!"

_(All of Robert's teammates are out as Moe covers him. In a last-ditch effort Brittany grabs a fire extinguisher and sprays it right into the ring—disrupting the count and blinding everyone inside. Kevin crawls up to the apron and pulls Robert and Ted out of the ring by their heels.) _

**Barch:** "This is the craziest thing I've ever…what's HE doing?"

**O'Neill:** "No, that's the smart thing to do! If they're not in the ring, they can't be pinned!"

**Barch:** "Kevin, doing the smart thing?!"

_(The J's are crawling on their hands and knees; they were seconds from victory and now they're wheezing in CO-2. Moe rolls out of the ring wiping his eyes. Kevin pulls Mack to his feet, recognizing a chance they may never have again. Together, they charge the monster and double-spear him into the barricade! The impact is so great that part of the fence comes loose. Mack lifts it up and sets it right on Moe's chest, hoping to keep him down THAT way._

_Jeffy, the one furthest from the blast, is rolling the knocked-out Robert back inside for an easy pin. Kevin hurls a section of the steps right into the ring, nailing him in the head spectacularly. The crowd goes nuts at that feat of strength. Ted is up again somehow, pounding the other two J's.)_

**Barch:** "Look at him! He's fighting like a dork possessed!"

_(Ted is setting up a table outside the ring. With no one to stop him, he lifts Jamie on his shoulders and throws him off!)_

**O'Neill:** "NICE BREAKER through the table!"

**Barch:** "Watch out! He's back again!"

_(Moe blindsides Ted with a shoulder-charge, laying him out as well. Mack slides out of the ring and pounds Moe with lefts and rights, driving him back up the ramp. Moe finally ducks one of the punches and lifts him up, then throws Mack right off the stage onto the floor below.)_

**Barch:** "Well, at least he got some frequent flier miles out of this."

**O'Neill:** "I can't believe it. That's at least a 15-foot drop—and look at Kevin trying to score a pin before Moe returns!"

_(Kevin scores a power bomb on Jeffy and makes the cover! One, two—and Moe makes the save just in time, squelching the last hope his opponents had left.)_

Ω

**Barch:** "This is the end. He's got that look in his eye…"

**O'Neill:** "He's like nothing we've ever seen before, Janet. I'm not sure he should even be allowed in wrestling, but that was Commissioner Li's call."

**Barch:** "Here comes another I'll Kill Ya! That's all it's going to take, skinny!"

**O'Neill:** "Wait! It's Robert!"

_(Robert crawls up onto the apron and swings the Singapore cane right into Moe's ribs. He gets in the ring and scores a few more hits before Moe just grabs the cane and breaks it over his knee. Joey and Jeffy ambush Robert from behind so Moe can nail Kevin with a running boot to the face._

_Dooms-J Device on Robert! Jeffy with the cover—but Ted is there again, pulling Nick out of the ring before he can count the three!)_

**Barch:** "They're desperate, O'Neill. That's all I can say. But they can only dodge so many bullets here!"

**O'Neill:** "I'm afraid you're right. The J's are taking Ted down outside the ring, and now it's just Moe and Kevin…"

_(Moe scouts Kevin from the corner again, and the fans know what's coming next. There's no way Kevin can survive an I'll Kill Ya at this point in the match. The Guyz are down, but as the crowd looks on in disbelief, Mack is climbing back onto the entrance ramp. Looking into one of the garbage cans the J's brought, he pulls out a football.)_

**Barch:** "Look at him! He's so out of it he thinks he's at practice."

**O'Neill:** "No, he's got an idea! Mack THROWS THE FOOTBALL!"

_(The ball sails straight into the ring and into Kevin's hands. He turns around to Moe, who's about to charge—and throws a huge pass of his own, right below the belt! Even Moe can't stay up after that!)_

**Barch:** "Now that's what I call splitting the uprights!" (cackles)

_(Here come the J's back into the ring. Kevin is fighting his heart out as he takes them down one by one. But as he's occupied, Moe is recovering, and by the time Kevin turns around he's coming yet again!)_

**O'Neill:** "I'll Kill—NO! Kevin jumped right over him!"

**Barch:** "Dodged the bullet again."

_(Moe goes right between the ropes and out of the ring. Mack is back inside now and they're ready for something big. Mack lifts Kevin on his shoulder and hurls him out like a javelin, right on top of Mad Moe!_

_The J's now swarm Mackenzie all at once. He fights bravely, but they batter him to his knees and have him set up for their second Dooms-J Device. Ted drags himself on the apron and crotches Jamie on the turnbuckle to stop it. Robert's still in orbit, but he manages to slide in and hold down Jeffy as Mack rolls a bloodied Joey into a sunset pin. One! Two!)_

**Barch:** "No! Dammit, that's one of the closest I've ever seen—he must have had him there!"

**O'Neill:** "That's a tough call, but it is the referee's to make."

_(Mack can't believe it, and his hesitation allows Joey to throw him into a German suplex. Mack reaches for the rope but is a fingertip short, and Joey launches him into a second one. Jeffy is free of Robert now and throws a dropkick into Mack's chest as Joey throws him into the third German. He's bridging him for the pin! One! Two! Ted DeWitt-Clinton with the save!)_

**O'Neill:** "Oh my gosh!"

**Barch:** "Never mind, THAT was the closest two-count I've ever seen!"

**O'Neill:** "One moment Ted was lying on the ring apron, the next he was right there—and you can feel the sheer relief on their team and in the stands as well."

Ω

_(Kevin is back in. Running clothesline to Jamie! Belly-to-belly suplex on Jeffy! Now he's coming for Joey Black, but he jumps aside and Kevin runs over Robert by mistake. Joey laughs and points at his head, moments before Ted almost knocks it off with a running enziguri! The 'good guys' seem to have victory in reach, and then—_

_I'LL KILL YA! Moe came out of nowhere, spearing and slamming Ted down so hard it's a wonder his boots stayed on! This beast will not be stopped. He nails Mack and Kevin, then eyes one of the corners with a strange look on his face. He steps over and rips off the padding—and as the crowd looks on in disbelief, he grabs one of the turnbuckles and pulls. Muscles and sweat stand out all over his over as he puts forth everything he's got. The crowd freaks as he dislodges the metal turnbuckle and rips it loose with his bare hands.)_

**O'Neill:** "He couldn't have! That's impossible!"

**Barch:** "That's beyond strength, skinny. I don't know what period of the Stone Age this freak came from but I've never seen that before in this company."

_("I'M GONNA KILL YA!" Moe bellows over the crowd noise. He seems to be talking to his opponents but O'Neill and DeMartino duck under the tables just in case. Moe kicks Ted out of the ring, clotheslines Robert over the ropes onto the floor. Mack is still face-down and Moe just lifts him like a weight in the gym, hurling him up into the air and smashing him back down Reverse DDT-style._

_Now he closes in on Kevin. The top turnbuckle rope is lying loose now, allowing Moe to simply loop it around his neck and start strangling him. Desperate to save her boyfriend, Brittany picks up one of her pom-poms to reveal a lead pipe hidden inside of it.)_

**O'Neill:** "And this one is going to be over. I'm afraid—"

**Barch:** "Brittany! She just clocked him in the back with that pipe!"

_(Moe barely seems to feel it. He just drops Kevin and chases Brittany right back outside. She jumps the guard rail into the crowd to get away from him. Moe quickly goes back in, and as Kevin sees doom approaching he makes one more defiant gesture: he clocks Moe right in the head with the broken turnbuckle! Moe stops, swaying slightly on his feet. Kevin hits him again! Now he's wobbling!_

_A deafening "KNOCK HIM OUT" chant sweeps over the Mall of the Millennium crowd, and after a third hit Moe drops to one knee! Now Kevin's got the loose ring rope around his neck, returning the favor from earlier, and Moe slowly sinks down to the mat._

_Mack's getting up. But Joey has one of the tag title belts and is waiting for the perfect chance to hit him. Brittany is back AGAIN, blasting him with the pipe, and he goes down like a sack of potatoes.)_

**Barch:** "Death by cheerleader! Now that's girl power, O'Neill!"

_(Mack pulls himself to his feet one more time. As the fans go wild, he knows this is his chance. Jamie's stumbling into the ring with a chair and Mack boots it into his face. Joey stumbles up all alone with no idea where he is, and walks right into a…)_

**Barch:** "MACK ATTACK! One! Two! _Three,_ I can't believe it!"

_(It's all over. The Bro/QB Connection and Da Nice Guyz have pulled off an unbelievable win against their most bitter rivals and the overwhelming force that is Moe Norton. The whole football team, Cheerleader Squad included, runs out to celebrate and help our winners to the back.)_

**DeMartino:** "And the WINNAHS of this completely RIDICULOUS match…the Bro/QB CONNECTION and Da NICE Guyz!"

**O'Neill:** "…Wow. That's all I can say."

**Barch:** "It makes no scientific sense. They just refused to get beat, O'Neill. They had every reason to get their asses kicked and possibly their careers ended out here, and they said 'no.' As dumb as they are, there's just something about these Lions players. Maybe that's it, they're not smart enough to give up. That's the reason they won."

_(The heels are back in the ring as the Lions leave, and the J's look seriously pissed about losing. Instead of taking it like men, they make one of the worst decisions of their collective lives and start jaw-jacking with Moe. He yells back, Jeffy shoves him and he completely snaps, laying out his partners with forearms before storming out of the arena to more cheers.)_

**WINNERS BY PINFALL: The Bro & QB Connection and Da Nice Guyz**


End file.
